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Why Conversations About Money Get Volatile

Dave and Sandy described to me in detail their last conflict over money. The catalyst? A check overdraft slip that arrived in the mail. See if the following argument sounds the least bit familiar to you:

Dave: "Dang it! We bounced another check. How could this happen? Don't you keep track of the checkbook?"

Sandy: "And when did it become my job to always balance the checkbook?"

Dave: "I work fifty hours a week. You only work part time, so you should have the time."

Sandy: "Even with both of our jobs we can't make enough to pay for the alimony and child support you owe your ex-wife."

Dave: "At least she didn't waste our money on the beauty salon all the time."

Sandy: "At least the women at the beauty shop listen when I talk about my problems, which is more than I can say for you."

This argument has quickly escalated to issues that have nothing to do with the original "trigger" event, a notice of an overdraft. Dave's fear about a quickly dwindling supply of money, and feeling out of control over life circumstances already set him up to be hypervigilant (heightened awareness about anything to do with matters that threaten one's security). His alarm goes off when he checks the mail and sees the notice from the bank.

His expressed fear and anger feel like an attack to Sandy, who becomes defensive. She deflects his blame with a question, but doesn't answer his. His answer continues to tuck some blame toward Sandy. Feeling one-down, she launches a counter-offensive, bringing in a decoy. Both are flooding with emotion now.

What's going on?

Sandy and Dave feel threatened and in pain, and those almond-shaped organs known as amygdalae (every human being has two of these in the brain), which are responsible for setting off the alarm system in the body, are in overdrive. When we perceive something "dangerous", the brain tells the amygdala to send out signals that cause the body to dump cortisol and adrenaline into the blood stream.

At this point, there is no way that Sandy and Dave can have a thoughtful, conscious conversation about their issues. Their brains and bodies are in a state of hyper-arousal, and all they can do is hit or run.

What can they do about it?

Sandy and Dave's problem is a common dilemma, but that doesn't make it any less painful. What can they do?

In the moment, they need to call a "time in": each stops participating in the argument and goes off to self-soothe. This means doing whatever it takes to become calm, and come to their senses. Going for a brisk walk, listening to calming music, or talking to an objective friend can help.

Over time, each needs to accept 100% responsibility for contributing to the problem as well as to the solution. Marriage is all about growing each other up. Dave and Sandy have a collusion going on: Sandy will "disappoint" Dave, and Dave will "be disappointed" with Sandy. Each partner "freezes" the other into a role, perhaps "the disappointer" and "the blamer"; when a conflict appears, each are already groomed to take a certain role or position as the argument proceeds.

The way out is for Sandy and Dave to become aware of those roles, and for each to self-reflect about how they got into these roles. They might notice that they are re-playing the marriage their parents had. They acknowledge that stopping this argumentative behavior will feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Each will have to look at what he and she contributes to financial immaturity. With love, forgiveness and compassion, they can see each other with new eyes of wonder and acceptance. Sandy and Dave are both precious and complex people, who play a vital role in this project called marriage, which is all about becoming two mature adults who function beautifully as a team.

• last updated: 2009.05.26
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