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Key Imago terms

important terms to understand on the way to a better relationship

Appreciations: A statement about something your partner has said or done (or perhaps avoided saying or doing) that has made the relationship feel closer, safer and more intimate for you. Your partner mirrors the appreciation and responds with "You are welcome."

Behavior Change Request: This wonderful technique is a two-way win.? Your frustrations with your partner are converted, with the assistance of your Imago therapist, into a need or desire-based request that is do-able, time-limited and measurable.? Also, by gifting your partner with his/her request, you stretch into behaviors that make you increasingly whole and complete.

Caring Behaviors: Each of you identify specific and repeatable behaviors that make you feel loved, cared for and cherished. Your list includes things your partner used to do in the romantic stage, present behaviors and some ideas you have for the future.

Couples Dialogue (also known as Intentional Intimacy, or "Crossing the Bridge for a Visit"): This is the foundational process of Imago Relationship Therapy on which all others are built. The three steps of dialogue include mirroring, validation and empathy. Practiced with discipline and sincerity, this exercise will revolutionize your relationship.

Empathy: Although the entire dialogue process is about empathic connection with your partner, the third step of the Couples Dialogue is called Empathy. In this step, you synthesize what you imagine your partner to be feeling as they have spoken, and offer some feelings words, for example: "I imagine you felt both pleased and excited about that!"

Exits: Behaviors we engage in when we are not yet conscious of how those behaviors might trigger our partner. These behaviors drain energy away from the relationship, and are often a way to avoid discomfort with our partner. Examples include any compulsive behavior that intended to distract us from our anxiety.

High Energy Fun: Laughter builds safety, reduces stress, and increases spontaneous joy. IRTs encourage you to make fun a regular and frequent part of your relationship (see the High Energy Fun page).

Holding (Cradling): During this exercise, your Imago Coach will guide you into the arms of your partner (or vice versa). The holding exercise is perfect for re-experiencing both pleasant and painful memories from the past, with your partner listening empathically.

Imago: ("eeh-mah-goe", n., pl. Imagos) An often idealized image of a person, usually a parent, formed in childhood and persisting unconsciously into adulthood.

Imago is the Latin word for image. Imago Relationship Theory holds that as children we develop a composite image of our childhood caretakers, which is an amalgamation of their positive and negative traits. When we begin the search for a mate, inevitably we are drawn to someone who bears a remarkable resemblance to that image.

Imago Relationship Therapist: A licensed and credentialed professional who has been through a year-long training (over 96 hours) in IRT through the Imago Relationship Institute, and is qualified to call herself a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist.

Imago Relationship Therapy: This innovative approach to couples counseling focuses on acquiring communication skills to re-discover each other, and healing past hurts that still influence your relationship today. You reach beyond the defenses developed in the past to build a rewarding and happier life. IRT trains couples to connect with safety, and the relationship becomes decidedly more effective.

The theory, therapy and skill building is based on the work of Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, MA, a husband and wife team, whose work is described in the best-selling books:

• For Couples: Getting the Love You Want
• For Singles: Keeping the Love You Find
• For Parents: Giving the Love That Heals

Mirroring: In the mirroring phase of the Couples Dialogue, one partner repeats as accurately as possible what they hear the partner say. This includes monitoring the flow of words, so that you indicate when your partner needs to pause, so you can effectively mirror them.

Positive Flooding: An exercise where you immerse your partner in appreciations, and admirations, usually statements of what you like about their character, their looks, their personality, and the behaviors you love, ending with a very high energy "You are the greatest partner in the world!" I can't imagine life without you!" I'm just so in love with you!"

Relationship Vision: A written group of principles and ideals, expressed by each of you, and synthesized together into a statement of how you would like your relationship to be in its most mature form.

Stretches: These are statements about how you are modifying your behavior in order to enhance the safety and intimacy of your relationship. Your partner mirrors you and responds with "Thank you for your stretch."

Surprises: To re-romanticize the relationship, you pay close attention to ways you can gift your partner with a surprise that will trigger their feelings of being loved, and feeling important.

Validation: The second phase of the Couples Dialogue is to summarize, and then let the partner know that you follow what they have said, and that they make sense. You are acknowledging that the partner's point of view has sensibility; it is not a statement of agreement or disagreement.

• last updated: 2008.03.17
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